Sometimes I truly just hate how I think so negative. I think of the worst scenario in a given situation especially if that situation has me in a position to be hurt. It keeps me up at night and I just hate it. 

I want that relationship where I can call my significant other, not only my lover, but my best friend as well. That relationship where we are silly and do crazy things with each other that we would not normally do with our other friends. The relationship where we can call each other stupid names and stuff without offending each other, because we know that we are kidding. I want that relationship that I can talk to them about anything that is on my mind, regardless if it’s good or bad, and they will not judge me. Even through all the silly moments we have, I know that I will be able to talk to them even if it’s about them, just because they want the same thing that I want, and that’s to be happy with each other. It may sound a little be risqué or cheesy for me to say this, but I truly want someone who is my best friend and my lover. It’s the best of both worlds since you can connect with them not only on a physical level, but as a mental level too and I truly believe that is what’s most important in a great relationship.

Someone to be not only my lover, but my best friend.

I don’t feel like I’m good enough. You say that I’m stupid for saying that and that I am too good for you for how I put up with you. You say that we don’t have the connection, but we have been putting up with each others bullshit for so long. I don’t get what you mean by that. Do you not know that it kills me every fucking day to just think about what we can’t have together because of how you think. I hate so many things that you say. I don’t know why I fucking like you. I don’t know how I can keep on hoping for something that will never happen. I hate every single bit of this. I honestly do.

Sitting here in my room as I watch the raindrops fall slowly down my window as I imagine them racing to the finish line, whilst the melody of a piano from a Yiruma song plays from the speakers of my laptop, it just makes me wonder; Is there more to life than just living? There must be a reason that everyone on this earth was created, whether you believe in a divine figure or not, there must be more than just to live. I don’t know what my reason to live is, but I am slowly learning as I age everyday and trying to find that purpose. As of now, I don’t focus on myself, but rather I focus on other individuals that coincide in my life. I want to make someone happy, hoping that it also satisfies me. Life isn’t as easy as solving a math problem, where there is only one possibility. That would make life boring right? That’s the interesting part about life, not one is the same. It would be nice to find out what the purpose of my life.